I’ll be honest, I’m not sure where to start. Basically, there is a global pandemic and the entire world has shut down AND is under attack.

There. That about sums it up.

Doesn’t that opening sound like the teaser line for an apocalyptic movie or book? Except…it is real life.

As of today there are now just over 1 million cases of Covid-19 Corona virus worldwide. Here in the United States we are adding handsomely to that number with 244,000+ today. I remember about five weeks ago when there were 34 cases in the US. THIRTY FOUR.

Sophie and I were supposed to fly to Paris next Thursday. We purchased our tickets in October 2019 and booked the cutest Airbnb. We were SO incredibly excited for our mother daughter trip. It was to be six days in Paris and a day and a half in Barcelona with a quick half day trip into Brussels.

Cancelled. Postponed, rather, but right now it just feels very very cancelled because we can’t rebook until we know if and when the world will right itself.

Our good friend was getting married in Zion’s mid April. Cancelled.

Sam had multiple business trips to Seattle, Portland and Puerto Rico this spring. All cancelled.

I was flying to Chicago right after my birthday to spend time with one of my best friends. Cancelled.

Sam and I are supposed to be in Istanbul this July. Waiting to see if that happens but it doesn’t look good.

What about these sweet high school seniors? Their lives basically just got cancelled.

Oh that’s right I forgot. School is cancelled. We are nearing the end of week 3 of what they call “distance learning” – I prefer to call it Isolation School. It looks as though California will be closing schools for the rest of the school year (our Governor said as much in a press conference yesterday) so that is less than awesome. We are making it work…but it isn’t awesome.

Friends losing jobs, favorite stores and restaurants shuttered with massive questions about whether they will be able to reopen, money lost in our portfolio, weird dreams, moments throughout the day of anxiety and flat out fear. Missing seeing groups of people. Missing hugging people who do not live in my house. Worried about my elderly parents and in-laws and immune compromised friends and family. Worried about myself being immune compromised. Worried for my friends who are doctors and nurses who are not protected when they go to work on the front lines. Worried about these awful numbers that scientists and leaders drop in front of us everyday that signal doom and death. We have been told that between 100,000 and 200,000 people in the United States will DIE from this virus. I can’t even wrap my head around it. I have tried and I still cannot do it. It won’t compute.

Sad about the prayers we now offer around the dinner table and before we go to bed, prayers that scientists will find a cure, that doctors will be kept safe, that those who are sick and suffering will be at peace. These are the prayers my kids are offering; gone are the mundane prayers of just a few months ago when things were normal.

There’s been a lot of good, don’t get me wrong. But this just isn’t a post about that today. This is like my little dumping ground of sad tally’s and worry. Later there will be posts about things we have learned, ways we have grown, things we are so grateful for because those things are always on the tip of my tongue even in times of stress and strain. Just…not at this exact moment.

Yesterday I rode my bike for seven miles and then socially distanced on a walk with my friend. Even that phrase “socially distant” has now become permanent lexicon. The walk and the bike ride barely made a dent in my worried mood. If I don’t move my body and push myself during the day it is very difficult for me to sleep through the night. My brain knows that bad things are afoot and won’t turn off, can’t turn off.

Earlier today I pulled out some beautiful fabric I had been saving for who knows what so that tonight I can fashion a simple mask. We are now at the point where we need to wear masks in public. I want to do my part in keeping myself and others safe so I will use my pretty fabric to make something important. I now keep a small bag of gloves and wipes in my car for when I need to go grocery shopping. I don’t have any hand sanitizer so these gloves and wipes have to do the trick.

I worry about what comes next when people become desperate, out of money or food or both. I worry about what it will feel like when people we know are sick or die from this virus. I worry and worry.

Sam and I lived in NYC during 9/11 and we always felt that that moment in history was the biggest thing that had or would ever happen to us. The biggest thing that would ever happen to our country in our lifetime. We now look at each other and incredulously ask “Can you believe this global thing? This thing that we are ALL living through?” Unfathomable.

I will write more and it will be more cohesive and thoughtful, I promise. But this is what I’ve got tonight and I know that someday, I will be glad I just grabbed my computer and wrote what was in my brain while I was so disappointed and worried and scared. We are living through history; the narratives are going to be messy.