I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ (also known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or more casually, the Mormon church). Over the years, I have grown in and love my faith. The development of my testimony of the Savior, my Father in Heaven and so many other faith related concepts has been a lifelong journey and one I hope to continue making.

I am aware that from time to time many of us go through a faith crisis, encounter doubt, frustrations, apathy and just plain confusion about God’s plan for us. I was asked to give a talk (or perhaps in other religion-speak, a sermon) in our congregation earlier this summer and then to repeat the same talk in a later and larger meeting that was this past Sunday. This talk encompasses my core beliefs and what I hope and strive for. I had such a great experience pondering about, researching and finally writing this talk and wanted a permanent place to put it (hoping that perhaps these interwebs have some degree of permanence…). Below is the entirety of my talk. I hope that you will read it and think about it. I hope that it brings questions or ideas to your mind and to your heart and I hope that you have the courage to go looking for the answers you seek.

What do you know to be true?

How do you know it is true?

And what will you do when doubts come?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when these three questions demand answers. In fact, there may be multiple times in life when these questions are revisited and re-answered. Sometimes the answers to what you believe in and how you know it is true are received early in life as a child or as a teenager. Other times these answers come during early adulthood, late parenthood or sometimes in very old age. Doubts will inevitably surface throughout our lives and regardless of age or circumstances, may rear their head from time to time.

So what do you know to be true, how do you know it is true and what will you do when doubts come? Let’s talk about these three questions and how they relate to our testimonies.

My quest for truth began at age 19. My parents joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints when I was six years old through a combination of good neighborhood friends, ward members, missionary efforts and their own fledgling testimonies. Growing up in a suburb of Washington D.C., I took their testimonies of the gospel as my own with low to moderate success as a teenager. By the time I was a freshman at Brigham Young University, I was only partially active and quite honestly, perfectly comfortable with that fact. I wasn’t looking for truth, I wasn’t trying to grow my testimony or figure out complex gospel principles. I was simply a busy college student trying to scratch out my place in the world. I don’t remember praying much, I certainly wasn’t reading my scriptures and while I was happy being a student at BYU, I found that the accompanying Utah Mormon culture was a bit off putting.

I auditioned for a job as an actress in a repertory theater company in Jackson Hole, Wyoming at the end of my freshman year and booked it. I moved to Jackson where I lived for five months, working as a cook in a restaurant by day and performing in two alternating shows at night with eight shows a week. I was being paid to do things I was good at, I was young, my voice was in great shape and I was using what I was learning in my acting and vocal major every day. Life was good. Until it wasn’t.

I started to recognize that I was missing something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I wasn’t just missing church and having a desire to be there; I was missing a relationship with God. The day I figured that out was a Sunday. I was sitting on a rock in a large park by myself and had a whole day spread out in front of me. Instead of being excited about the prospect of a day off I felt alone. So incredibly alone. But it wasn’t my friends or my family that I missed. Sitting on that rock I slowly realized it was the Holy Ghost that I missed, a connection with God and an understanding of what He really wanted for me. I realized that I needed answers to some key questions in my life. Was the Church of Jesus Christ that I had been raised in most of my life really the BEST place for me to be? Did I believe the lessons and experiences of my youth? Did I believe that the Book of Mormon was true?

That afternoon I prayed to know specifically the answer to my last question and the answer I received was so clear and so strong I have never once looked back. Yes, the Book of Mormon was true. Yes, this church to which I belonged was the right and best place for me to grow closer to my Father in Heaven and Savior. And yes, there was work to be done in my life to get right with God. This was my first real experience with personal revelation. I had asked a question having faith that I would receive some kind of an answer…and I had. This simple exercise formed the foundation for my understanding of how to seek an answer to a question and then move in the direction I was prompted to move in. In this case, praying about the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and the restored Gospel and receiving an answer number one, imprinted a valuable experience in my mind and my heart. I would never again doubt how I felt when I received my answer, nor would I doubt the answer I had received. Secondly, I was now compelled to move in a direction and change aspects of my life that were out of harmony. These were actionable events and lessons in my life

With regards to receiving answers, Elder Rasband counsels us to “Never forget, question or ignore personal, sacred spiritual experiences. The adversary’s design is to distract us from spiritual witnesses, while the Lord’s desire is to enlighten and engage us in His work”. President Russell M. Nelson further counsels that “You don’t have to wonder about what is true. You do not have to wonder whom you can safely trust. Through personal revelation, you can receive your own witness that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, that Joseph Smith is a prophet, and that this is the Lord’s church. Regardless of what others may say or do, no one can ever take away a witness borne to your heart and mind about what is true”. I believe this last line is so very important. No one can ever take away a witness borne to your heart and mind about what is true. What a comfort that is to me.

What do you know to be true? How do you know it? The lesson here is once you know something is true and have determined how you know it, do not throw it away. C.S. Lewis states that “Faith is the art of holding onto things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods”. President Spencer W. Kimball further taught that absolute truth cannot be “altered by the opinions of men. . . . If men are really humble, they will realize that they discover, but do not create, truth.” Do not chalk your testimony up to a changeable experience or throw it away due to shifting tides, differing advice or public opinion. Do not give up on hard won truth because Google offers the opinions of men. No one can ever take away a witness borne to your heart and mind. Your gained testimony is as much a part of you as your organs, your blood and your breath. Hold on to it as preciously as you hold on to your very life.

That tragedy, misunderstanding, failure and fear will touch all of us at one time or another should never be questioned. All of these and more will come to our doorsteps, enter our minds and disrupt our hearts. The struggles and pains of life are an intrinsic part of our human experience. Doubt too will be a part of our human experience. Remember the third question today: What will you do when doubts come? It seems to be socially acceptable to discuss doubt in the context of our personal or professional abilities, doubt in our appearance or level of fitness, doubt in our marriages or in our children, doubt in politics or even doubt in the weather forecast. But to bring up doubt with regards to faith? This is when I have noticed proverbial doors closing, eyes drifting downward and uncomfortable silence filling the space between us as saints. The very mention of doubt when it comes to our faith can make people uncomfortable as if doubt is a virus they can catch. In truth, doubt is a vital part of our journey as people on this earth and as saints seeking to establish and grow our testimonies.

One of my favorite leaders and speakers is Sheri Dew. In her book “Worth the Wrestle” she states that “When we have unresolved questions, our challenge doesn’t lie in what we think we know. It lies in what we don’t yet know. The Lord wants us to ask every probing question we can muster because not asking questions can be far more dangerous than asking them. Questions are not just good they are vital because the ensuing spiritual wrestle leads to answers, to knowledge and to revelation. And it leads to greater faith”.

Talking about faith related doubt and questions brings me back to 2008. The saints of California were asked by our church to stand behind Prop 8, a California ballot proposition against same-sex marriage. My personal views on equality and inclusion for the LGBTQ community left me deeply troubled about backing Prop 8. I suddenly found myself in the throws of doubt. Doubt about my faith, doubt about our church as an institution, doubt about how our heavenly parents view our LGBTQ brothers and sisters. I could not reconcile how I felt with what I had been asked to do. Everything inside of me was swirled in a cloud doubt. The only thing that helped was going back to being 19 years old and reflecting on the personal revelation I had received about the Book of Mormon and the restored gospel that is the foundation for our church today. I clung to that experience and testimony like a lifeline. I again felt the turmoil of doubt and deep concern when in 2015 the church released a policy stating children of same-sex parents would not be able to be blessed or baptized until the age of 18. While this policy has thankfully since been reversed, I was once again filled with frustration, a lack of understanding, deep sadness and confusion. Doubt once again reared its head; it did not creep in the door, it roared and I was firmly caught in its confusing whirlwind. But here is what helped me then and continues to help today. Sam and I developed something we refer to as The Box.

The Box is rather small. It contains things that we adamantly believe to be true. The order in the box is as follows: I believe in God, the Eternal Father. I believe that He is the great creator and knows me perfectly. He wants every good thing for me. I believe in Jesus Christ, that He is the Son of Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother and the Savior of all mankind. I believe that He lives. I believe that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ directed Joseph Smith to restore the gospel to the earth at this time in our history and use specific priesthood keys to translate the Book of Mormon. I believe the Book of Mormon is true and accurate. I believe that from Joseph Smith until now we have had the uninterrupted blessing of living prophets and that our prophet today is President Russell M. Nelson. I know of these things in this box to be absolutely true. I have prayed about them and have received revelation for myself to know that they are true. I know what is true and I understand how I know it.

Everything outside of the box? Well, that can be a long list and most if not all of it is changeable because sometimes it is of man, not necessarily of God. There are parts of our church history, social policies and long held ideas that are colored by the bias of human beings. There are cultural and traditional practices that have become entrenched in the fabric of our church today but culture is not cannon, and tradition is not necessarily correct. There is a difference between tradition and testimony. My testimony is of God, Jesus Christ, the restored church, the Book of Mormon and a living prophet today. My testimony is not of policy, of opinions, of culture or of tradition. If those were what my testimony was built on it would have washed away long ago.

The questions that I have had over the years and continue to have are an ongoing conversation between me and my Heavenly Father. My desire to know more about the timeline of the universe, the way we as radically different human beings fit into the structure created by our Heavenly parents, my questions about the priesthood and my role as a woman with regards to it– these are open ended questions and answers in an ongoing spiritual conversation. Sherri Dew further explains that “When questions arise or when blessings you’ve been pleading for remain unfulfilled, they are not an indication that you don’t have a testimony or that the gospel isn’t true. They are an invitation for you to grow spiritually. Even your thorniest questions about our doctrine, history, positions on sensitive issues or the aching desires of your hearts are about personal growth. Questions are good. Questions are good if they are inspired questions, asked in faith and asked of credible sources where the spirit will direct and confirm the answer”.  This point about asking questions in faith and of credible sources is important to remember.

I find that when I come back to The Box my testimony does not fail and instead it grows. As I have asked questions and sought answers particularly over the last three years, I have felt my testimony take deeper root and thrive. I am not ashamed of doubt, of questions, of wrestling for understanding. Instead I am proud of the work I am doing to grow my testimony! The process of developing and gaining a testimony is not a linear one. There is no one-size-fits-all timeline. Instead, this process requires a lifetime of work, of questioning and seeking, of prayer and most importantly, of faith.

So again, what do you know to be true, how do you know it and what will you do when doubts come? I hope that you will do the work and hold on tight. Elder Holland encourages us to “Hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes. You have more faith than you think you do. The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue. It is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you DO have and the truth you already know”.

It is my prayer that we all take Elder Hollands advice to hold fast and stand strong. Do not be afraid of doubt. Do not be afraid to ask your hardest questions of your Father in Heaven. Have faith that you WILL receive answers. And when you receive those answers, do not throw them away. Add them to your box of what you know to be true.