I can’t believe we made it through 2020. No. For real. I can’t believe we made it through 2020 and lived to tell the tale. There were a few times this year when I wasn’t sure we were going to make it out of 2020 in one piece.

In late January, Sam and I watched the movie “Contagion” for the first time in a long time. We found it interesting…and just a little bit unsettling. We kept talking to each other about how much the movie plot seemed like that weird thing happening in China. I still remember us taking a walk around the neighborhood, talking through the plot points, the strangeness of it all and what we would do if something like that ever made its way to our country. We truly did not think COVID-19 would not only reach our shores but explode all around our country, in every nook and cranny of America.

In 2020, we celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary, Simon turning 17 and entering his senior year, Sophie turning 16 and getting her drivers permit and starting her junior year, and Sadie and Sebastian turning 11 and beginning 6th grade. We watched these four kids have their school year derailed and shut down, sports end, play dates dry up, friendships and dating relationships struggle all against the backdrop of a worldwide pandemic. We watched them diligently wear their masks and sanitize their hands, looking at the new world with big worried eyes and we were not able to shelter them from all that was happening around us.

We upended our entire lives in August and moved out of the Bay Area that had been our home for the past 16 years for beautiful Auburn, CA. We started a new life on 4 1/2 acres and all that comes with. We would have never made the decision to move if not for the pandemic. At least not when we did. 2020 forced Sam and I to take a long hard look at where we were and what we wanted, what our kids needed and what we could do. We were beyond fortunate to choose exactly when and where we wanted to move on our terms and on our timeline. Not many people have the opportunity or luxury to move like that and we do not take that blessing lightly. We bought a beautiful home on gorgeous land and fell in love with a new place, a new kind of life. While we felt very strongly about moving and knew it was the right thing for our family, that didn’t mean it happened without tears and heartache. We left behind schools we had invested heavily in, dear friends, a beloved home and literally a lifetime of memories by making a giant shift.

In 2020 I lost two friends from college to ALS and cancer, respectively. I watched Chris’s funeral on Zoom and mourned Ben by myself. They were both only a few years older than me, both with families and wives and beautiful lives. My dear friend lost her eight year old just as the world was shutting down. The only plane ride I took this year was to Hawaii to attend his funeral. It was the saddest, most beautiful funeral I have ever been to. Heartbreaking in every way, life affirming in every way. Our friends and former neighbors lost their 18 year old son to a murder in broad daylight. Nathan was a friend and peer of Simon’s; most of his Boy Scout and early camping/fishing memories have Nathan in them. His death rocked our family to our core. That one hit the hardest. I sat in my bathroom the night he died and cried and cried and cried. I sang “Amazing Grace” at a vigil for the family two nights later and while I have sung that song at least a dozen times over the course of my life, I’ve never sung it as perfectly as I did that night. Heavenly Father blessed me to not cry while I was singing; what a blessing. Sam lost his father in July. It was both expected and unexpected and it felt very heavy when he finally passed. We felt all of these losses , shed our tears over all of them. Some tears were bitterly painful, some just plain sad.

Sam’s mom beat colon cancer in 2020. It was an unexpected diagnosis and thanks to surgery a week later she was rid of tumor and affected areas quickly and without complication. Her surgery was just a week before he husband, Sam’s dad passed. It was a really emotional time. My own dad received a kidney cancer diagnosis just a few weeks ago; his surgery is scheduled for later in January. This too was so unexpected and scary and worrisome. You really start to feel your own mortality when your parents get sick and/or die.

We lived through the worst fire season in California history. We watched day after day of orange skies, inhaling horrible smoke and wondering what was coming next, how much worse it would get. Those fires were awful and contributed the the PTSD we already had from the past several years of terrible fires. Our poor kids can’t smell smoke without fear. We also survived a truly unbelievable presidential election. I am filled with gratitude every single day that T was voted out of office. We were so stressed out by the whole process that we put our Christmas decorations up the day after the election, CNN on in the background. I had trouble sleeping election night I was so worried. My gosh, I never want our country to go through a 2020 election fiasco again.

We had long, impassioned family conversations about racism and inequality and the pain and suffering of the black community. I had painful talks with Sebastian about George Floyd and what to do when the police pull him over. We took our kids to their first protest and held up our homemade signs with as much strength and determination as we could.

When I look back over the 2020, it feels like we lived multiple lifetimes this year. Like, how did all of this and more fit into just one year? One insane, historic, bitter, unbelievable year? And yet here we finally are, in the last hours of 2020, all of us desperate for a new page, the new chapter that comes with a fresh year. I definitely feel like a different person sitting here at the end of 2020. I think I’m stronger and have a clearer perspective on what is really important, on what matters. My relationship with my Savior and Father in Heaven is stronger. I feel closer to them both. I appreciate people and places and opportunities so much more. I am so very grateful for teachers and schools that are open; I will never ever take the ability to go to school in person for granted again. Neither will my kids. I feel like my friendship with Sam is stronger. We have walked through some difficult times together this year and we did it hand in hand, mostly with smiles on. We sold a house and bought a new one and did it during a pandemic. We are pretty proud of that.

I have some big hopes and plans and dreams for 2021 but I don’t dare write them down, not yet. I’m holding them in my heart and in my mind; I’m still nervous about what is around the bend. I mean, how could I not be after the dumpster fire of 2020? I’m here for you, 2021. I cannot wait. Goodbye 2020 and HELLO 2021.